Silence so thick it lays like a comforter on top of us keeping warm in this cold world. Watching the rain fall and fog roll in. Worms wash up on the driveway the birds are quiet today school is cancelled today Reheating chocolate chip cookies and tea and almonds. Norah Jones serenades the rain doors wide open to get the full affect. I think we let in some fog settling on the carpet around us we lean into it wrap up in it like a comforter. I wonder where we'll be in five, ten, twenty years. I think I'd like to be right here. ~ For Your Ears:
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Self care is smashing cursing yelling throwing punching kicking beating walking sitting laying rolling drinking bathing sleeping crying sleeping and crying again. Self care is whatever you need it to be to expel the evil words and actions of others and yourself Self care is quitting the drugs that numb picking up the ones that make you feel. IT IS NOT ANOTHER DAMN FACE MASK. It's getting up and cleaning your room eating vegetables calling your mom going to bed on time waking up on time. It's taking a day off but not too many it's taking a shower it's crying and crying and therapy. Even when you've convinced yourself that you're fine. ~ For Your Ears:Friday morning I woke up ready to whoop everybody's ass on some "I'll slap anybody in here!" shit but I didn't. Instead I beat my face I traced my eyeliner across my lids and to my scalp I traced my roots back to the Queen of Sheba and thought to myself "How can they not see my crown?" Niggas ain't shit. "Not all niggas ain't shit" I used to defend them Then when your homeboy yelled "Aye ma! Aye Queen! Aye you! You got a man?" I decided that a least 60% of these niggas ain't shit. I'm being generous because of my brother and father and best friend who are all, technically, niggas Who are all men of substance. Friday morning I woke up ready to stomp my ex best friend and all her lil friends into the ground but I didn't. Instead I strapped on my Doc Martens black leather Hard, solid like me Always down for my homies the one holding back their hair like its wasn't just me vomiting having to hold back my own. I am no longer self medicating so when the emotions come they're loud and they linger and they sit on my face and in my shoulders and on my lips so if you're the reason I woke up Friday morning with my lips curled my eyeliner winged to the gods of my ancestors if my boots are stained with mud and not your blood then I'd advise you stay out of my way cuz baby I'm strong, but I'm tired. ~ For Your Ears:My heart beats faster when the phone rings shoulders tense, bracing for impact, not expecting bad news not waiting for him to call back just the sound, the knowledge that I'll be communicating with someone I can't see. Connecting is hard social media has made it easier for introverts and the easiest it's ever been for extroverts I have no comfort talking over a screen meet me face to face lets share the same air let me see your eyes light up tear up as we share our hearts across this table this cup of coffee this meal. Distance by technology allows for too many unanswered questions too many assumptions too many maybes Meet me outside, lets take a walk what's your sign? what's your favorite scripture? what are you afraid of? what are you thinking right now? (insert that one Lil Wayne lyric) Maybe I'm just old school or maybe ya'll are just lame. ~ For Your Ears:All this masculine energy confirming the power in my pure, feminine energy feeling very Badu not blue geez louise Where did you come from? Where are you going? The bar has been raised since your last visit have you grown any can you reach it? I'll give you a try if you don't pass I'll be saying bye bye ~ For Your Ears:written 03.30.2018 To the Sun: In my quiet time all I think about is him really Ain't it silly? Feelings like this usually make me anxious but it's different there's no way I can say this poetically I'm feeling this boy heavy In my darkest moments When I'm curled up in myself I call out to him He feeds me Love until I believe Until I can see my Queendom. I can see his Kingdom Even though I think he doesn't believe it's there This ain't a game Yeah I'm tryna be pressed up against him But it's more I've got a Queendom and damn I want to share it with him. Build us a nice little tribe someone to take our place when we're gone but not too soon. "Live to 30" I said, Now I'm rethinking my words "Live forever" no "Join me in the eternal" He'd be mad if he knew I'm writing this while I'm driving but when the words run through my mind I can't stop the train I can only jump on and see where it takes me. ~ For Your Ears:Coping Mechanisms Bad Habits Safe Words Hiding Places Day Dreaming is one of my oldest friends I've played with her since I was a child running away with her when the anxiety got too high the conversation got too loud when the public isolation set in awkward exchanges stretched too long it didn't matter much because she was there. Conjuring up magical mirages of love affairs with boys who never wanted me scenes of adventures taken alone on some Eat, Pray, Love shit, of hopes fullfiled anything, anywhere to be but where I was. Eyes glazed over foot twtiching lips bitten raw. All the signs that my mind was with Her. Since life had beaten me black and blue the visions are not always cheery Morbid delusions of death of violence. Tears come streaking down my face Eyes blinking awake in confusion Why did she take me there? to my grandmother's death to another's blood on my hands I realize now in the moments of survivalistic numbing my mind goes to an emotional spectrum and chooses one extreme or the other Happiness Love Anger Wrath Mourning Heartache. Days when my heart has checked out My Mind takes over to fill the gap Finding Balance still, Find Balance in being still. ~ For Your Ears:I believed that by publishing a book about my hard times and self loathing that those things would magically go away or at least be easier. They are, barely, largely in part to the massive, overwhelming amount of support I am now receiving constantly. I am thankful. I am anxious. Where do I go next? What do I do next? Trusting God and myself and the Flow. I understand that everything EVERYTHING is for a reason and in due season it will all be crystal clear, until then I'll keep going to therapy keeping hugging my loves and get a dog ~ For Your Ears:In LoveSummer bops Warm blankets Room temperature water The perfect night for star gazing. Love used to be long walks quiet moments and meaningful sighs. Hot tea with too much honey Now it's waking up to poems cat naps in the sun and loud laughter. It's smiling at my phone and chocolate chip pancakes. Turning my face towards the Sun in the afternoons and thanking the Moon for illuminating my nights. Love changes as one's heart grows stronger. Love used to be watered down tea, now it's strong and bold like Tenessee Whiskey. Deep and raw like the Dirty South. I wonder if it'll change... What will it be soon, later? ~ For your ears:Welcome to the "Being..." series. This will be a very exposing exposé on some of the things that make up me. Feedback is encouraged, thank you all in advance and I hope it becomes food for thought. Let's get started... CreativeBeing a creative is a frog. Sitting and breathing, sometimes croaking. Hopping. Creatives love the Sun, the Moon, any being more luminous and transcendent than we, one that we can see. Creativity is the way I channel the ice, the butterflies, the anxiety. "Pouring it out" as my therapist says. I've gotten so good at pouring it out I've resorted to pulling over on the freeway when it gets too full, scribbling away on napkins like a true genius Some creatives pour into jugs labeled "music" or "painting". Being cursed with quiet vocal chords, my jug is labeled "poetry" Writing what is seemingly impossible to say. A creative's true burden is physical survival. Mastering the art of rent and bills while still filling up the jugs. Our main enemy is our sanity. I've never met an artist that was completely sane. I know I'm not. ~ For your ears: |
J. SeymoneThis is the place for the public consumption of my poems, album reviews, and general thoughts. Archives
April 2019
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